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Trading Yesterday  
11:05pm 11/07/2010
 So, I sit here contemplating my life...again.  This fucking bullshit rollercoaster.  And I realize, that's all I'm doing - coasting.  Until something triggers me...sets me off.  And then I'm spiraling down at the speed of light.  There's no way to stop it.  Gotta ride it out.  No emergency brakes.  

Its scary because I know what I'm consciously capable of, and what I'm consciously NOT capable off.  But during this time...those lines are blurred, if not completely erased and I become capable of any and everything.  Its fucking terrifying.  I can feel my sane self crying out in the far corner of my mind.  Hoping to regain some kind of control.  All the while, my darkest_hour rages uncontrolled, threatening destruction.

I believe in fairytales that no one can ever be.  The future is filled with memories that I can never have.  

I have all these new beginnings in my life.  Yet, I'm tortured with not being able to capture them, savor them, and love them.  I'm doomed to wither while they happen around me.  I'm on the peripheral.  

It takes so much psychic energy to fight this, to even hold it at bay.  But...I can't hold it back forever, and when the dam breaks....the flood is catestrophic.  

I wish we could trade yesterdays for tomorrows.  Have more chances for better days.  Have more time to heal.  

But I know that's not how existence works.  Each day bleeds into the next.  
And I'm cursed to carry this pain, each bleeding day.
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I Want  
04:30pm 16/05/2010
 I want this sickness out of me.

I want to slice and dice.

I want everyone to hurt.

I want intense psychic pain to invade everyone's life and destroy it completely.

I want to lay here and watch the world end.

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05:26pm 28/03/2010
 I remember this time when I "met" this guy (back in '02).  It was nearing the end of our Freshman semester - at different colleges, as fate would have it.  Our connection was instantaneous.  We would wait for each other online.  It was exciting and new and set my heart on fire.

He sent me an email over the Winter/Christmas Break.  It was the sweetest thing I've ever read.  Of course, I lost it when my computer crashed.  And I doubt I saved a hard copy of it.  But he attached a picture of himself in a Santa hat.  He was one damn cute guy.

We pinned away for each other for years before finally meeting in '05.  The fireworks were amazing.  

And then he disappeared....again.  I assumed I was the only one who felt the fireworks' full intensity.

I was devastated....landed myself in psychothereapy with anti-depressants to boot.  Fun times.  

Slowly, but surely, the meds worked their magic and I eventually came back  around - a mere 3 years later.

So, I look back at all that.  The pain, the turmoil, the broken-heart.  The power of this intrinsic force called love.  It was so real, so alive, and so powerful.  I allowed myself to be consumed by it.  It made me and broke me.  And I'm slowly learning the value of loving myself, first, before another (and before another can love me).

Then, I look at where I am now - how far I've come.  I made it through the greatest maelstrom.  Here I am in a Graduate program, embarking on a new career path, a new journey.  Its fucking scary as hell.  And I've done it all without him being present at all: not an email, not a text message, not a voice mail, not an IM - nothing.  I used to think he was the air I breathed.  I realize now he was just an air freshener - he made life smell sweeter, but not necessary.  

I feel like I've been six feet under.  And only recently have I clawed my way up.  I'm not completely out - which I think is partly due to my own dysthymic nature, but I can say that half of me has made it to the surface.  And the sun feels so good!  The warmth is overwhelming, kissing every part of my skin.  I think I'll stay here for awhile.  And maybe I'll be able to pull a bit more of myself out.  

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The Gays  
09:43pm 23/09/2009
So, lately I've been mulling things around in my head. Nothing too existential or anything. Just thinking about...things...life...you know? Particularly, that when my romantic life doesn't go the way I want it to, I get angry and bitter...and then I hate that I'm gay and a part of the whole community that only appreciates the "value" of a chiseled body. That's it. There's nothing else. We (as in, the Gays) have demanded the respect and tolerance of America, and in return, we have only given them new concoctions of Meth and unrealistic body aspirations, or requirements, I should say. We haven't substantially contributed to the betterment of society in any way.

Sure, sure. There are a select few who work in public office advocating for the rights and legalities of all homosexual and transgendered peoples. However, stop and take a moment to reflect on them. How much of the stereotype do they fit? How much do they blend into the "gay scene" with everyone else? Ten to one, they're not sitting home on a Friday night reading a good 19th Century English Novel (like Dickens or Austen), or snuggling up with "the one." Most likey, they, like many, have not found "the one." And they are out in the bars and clubs and gyms trying to find him/her.

I'm losing touch with what it means to be "gay" because I don't identify with the lifestyle that "gay" has presented. There should be more, MUCH more, to the gay life than sleeping with men (or women, for my Lesbian readers), and endless hours of non-stop sit-ups and crunches. There needs to be a drastic change from the endless nights of clubbing, Meth, tweeking out, and bars. This so-called "community" has no sense of culture, or unity, or solidarity. Sure, we mourn the loss of a gay life when its a brutal hate-crime, and we band together to rally and show that we are people, too. However, that only lasts for about 24-48 hours. After that, its back to the bar, back to the club, back to the Meth, back to the anonymous sex. We treat the violation of a human's life, a fellow "gay's" life, as a one-night stand..."it was great - but I'm really not looking for a commitment right now." All we can think about is satisfying our own sexual desires day in-and day-out. And if we happen to hurt someone along the way - oh, too bad: "they got in the way of my wants, my needs, my desires." At what point did we decide it was ok to treat people like this??

The "gay lifestyle" is pretty damn self-destructive. And I am pretty damn tired of being self-destructive. I've come to hate, even loathe, certain aspects of myself that I have found rooted in being gay. I actually hate having to identify my sexuality. This whole blog is bullshit because in the year 2009, soon to be 2010, we still have hang-ups about sexuality. We have to compulsively label and identify EVERYTHING about ourselves. Its saddening.

The "gay lifestyle" will never be recognized and accepted as long as we are selfish and destructive. Which, I fear, will always be a staple for the gay population.
mood: disappointeddisappointed
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Anna Rexia  
07:09pm 24/08/2009
 ...sounds good to me...
music: Charlotte Martin
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July 2010  

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